My Tiara

This won't make sense unless you know that I'm a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Now that you know that...

I'm obsessed with tiaras.  I've been asking Heavenly Father if I can have a tiara when I get to Heaven.  For years.  He's always replied that I need to get over it.  For years.

When we lost Hannah, my whole universe shifted one foot to the left.  Nothing had changed in the grand cosmos, but I had.  I became a different person.  Wanting a tiara in Eternity suddenly seemed stupid.

But I still wanted one.  I had lost my baby and I wanted compensation.  I wanted everything that had ever been denied me.  I wanted to move into a million dollar house on the same block with all of my family.  I wanted to become a famous writer.  And I wanted a tiara.

Mostly, I wanted Hannah back.

My husband and I were sealed in the Mount Timpanogos Temple before either of our daughters were a twinkle in my eye.  Hannah was born into that covenant.  We are a forever family.

I will be with Hannah again.

3 Nephi 13:21 (Matthew 6:21)-

For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.

Hannah is my tiara.

There's a caveat. I have to love the Lord more than I love Hannah.  Being with Hannah again has to be a perk, not the point.  I have to want to be with the Lord again.  I can't do that right now.  But I think I might be able to do it eventually.  My tiara, my sweet Hannah, is so sparkly that she's all I can see right now.  But the farther away that she gets from me, the more clearly I can see that her light is just an extension of the Savior's light.  Loving the Lord means I love Hannah more than I can now.

It hurts to think all of this.  It feels a little bit like losing Hannah again. But Christ's light is bright and warm.  And Hannah is a part of that light.  So that's where I'm heading.