Problem Solving

My husband and I are taking the Church's Self Reliance course on Personal Finances.  I pushed for us to take the class now because I needed something to focus on after we lost Hannah.

We're up to the week of the class where we're supposed to stick to our budget.  So, of course, the dishwasher broke.  Because that's how life is and because the Lord wanted to ease me into having to deal with a crisis by giving me a really mini one.

Adam noticed the dishwasher leaking.  I grabbed towels, cleaned up the puddle, called the service people, arranged for someone to look at it the next day, hung up the phone and started crying.  Handling my mini-crisis took all of my resources.

It took hours for me to realize that even though it did take all of my resources, I did handle it.  I didn't handle it super well, but I handled it.

Tonight, we were reading in Alma for family scripture study.

Alma 29: 9

I know that which the Lord hath commanded me, and I glory in it. I do not glory of myself, but I glory in that which the Lord hath commanded me; yea, and this is my glory, that perhaps I may be an instrument in the hands of God to bring some soul to repentance; and this is my joy.

I've been learning in Self Reliance group that I am capable of solving problems. I realized tonight that I am stronger and better than I was before Hannah came along.  More than that, I'm working to progress farther still.  Because of Hannah.

The Lord commanded me to do something that was really hard.  I lost my baby.  But I glory that I could give her a body and a few days on earth.  She used that time to change the world.  She changed me.  She made me a person who handles a crisis.  She made me look to the light.

My Tiara

This won't make sense unless you know that I'm a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Now that you know that...

I'm obsessed with tiaras.  I've been asking Heavenly Father if I can have a tiara when I get to Heaven.  For years.  He's always replied that I need to get over it.  For years.

When we lost Hannah, my whole universe shifted one foot to the left.  Nothing had changed in the grand cosmos, but I had.  I became a different person.  Wanting a tiara in Eternity suddenly seemed stupid.

But I still wanted one.  I had lost my baby and I wanted compensation.  I wanted everything that had ever been denied me.  I wanted to move into a million dollar house on the same block with all of my family.  I wanted to become a famous writer.  And I wanted a tiara.

Mostly, I wanted Hannah back.

My husband and I were sealed in the Mount Timpanogos Temple before either of our daughters were a twinkle in my eye.  Hannah was born into that covenant.  We are a forever family.

I will be with Hannah again.

3 Nephi 13:21 (Matthew 6:21)-

For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.

Hannah is my tiara.

There's a caveat. I have to love the Lord more than I love Hannah.  Being with Hannah again has to be a perk, not the point.  I have to want to be with the Lord again.  I can't do that right now.  But I think I might be able to do it eventually.  My tiara, my sweet Hannah, is so sparkly that she's all I can see right now.  But the farther away that she gets from me, the more clearly I can see that her light is just an extension of the Savior's light.  Loving the Lord means I love Hannah more than I can now.

It hurts to think all of this.  It feels a little bit like losing Hannah again. But Christ's light is bright and warm.  And Hannah is a part of that light.  So that's where I'm heading.

Inspiration

My first pregnancy was really hard on me.  I had acute hyperemesis - code for permanent nausea - and I later developed gestational diabetes.  When I got pregnant for the second time, I was mentally prepared for those things.  I was not prepared, in any way, for what I got.

I did get sick again, but my OB doubled me up on the anti-nausea medicines so I was actually pretty functional.  I was pleased with that, as were my husband and toddler.  We thought we were doing well.

At 20 weeks we went in for our midpoint ultrasound and gender check.  Our baby girl measured at 18 weeks.  Something was wrong.  We saw the specialist.  She couldn’t identify any abnormalities on the ultrasound.  Something was wrong with the baby’s genetics.  We saw another specialist.  At 25 weeks, the baby was measuring at 20 weeks.  Something was wrong with the baby’s genetics and the doctor thought it was going to kill her.

We decided to get an amnio.  The doctor stuck a huge needle into my abdomen and desperately tried to get enough amniotic fluid out to run the genetic tests.  Two days later, we found out that our baby had Down Syndrome.

Three days after that…

Hannah Charlotte Peterson was born on Monday, December 3, 2018 at 4:56 pm.  She was 27 weeks, weighed 430 grams (about 15 ounces), with a length of 10 inches.  If I could have held her, she would have fit in one of my hands.

For 13 days, Hannah was a shining star in the Utah Valley Hospital NICU.  They were constantly amazed, impressed and baffled by her.  At first, no one could believe how well she was doing.  Then things started downhill and no one could figure out why she couldn’t come back.

We still don’t know why Hannah wasn’t growing properly in the womb.  We still don’t know why her body failed.  What we do know is that the doctors and staff fought valiantly to save her out of love and it was out of love that we all had to let her go.

I held my daughter for the first and last time on December 16, 2018.  I kissed her sweet little head and cuddled her tiny body the best that I could.  It wasn’t enough.  It will never be enough.  But she needed to go home.

Hannah’s little life changed me.  Hannah’s little star still shines brightly.